The Day and Night I Tried To Be a Grown-Up, Part Two
We all met at the hotel bar that evening. 6 businessmen in their 40′s and 50′s, and me, just getting started on my 20′s. The waitress came around and asked what we wanted. She started with the guy next to me, and went around the table the other way. I don’t know if she knew who would be in charge of tipping her, but she sure knew who wasn’t.
The other guys ordered martinis, gin and tonics, and a variety of cocktails. Nobody ordered a beer!!! These were grown-ups! This wasn’t Wild Bill’s near campus where I could order the special – three warm Oly’s for a dollar.
I had to think fast. What do I order? I didn’t want to be discovered. Suddenly, my Uncle Will’s country club voice came out of my mouth. “Double scotch on the rocks, please.” Oh God, please don’t ask me what brand of scotch, please don’t ask me what brand of scotch, please don’t ask me “You got it, sweetie! <wink>” Either that wink meant she thought I was cute, or she knew I’d never ordered a scotch in my life.
I tried to get involved in the discussion at the table. But I didn’t golf. I didn’t have any money in the market. In fact, I didn’t have any money. I didn’t know any asshole lawyers.
“So Mark,” one of the grown-ups smiled at me. “What’s new in your world.”
I could have said, “I’m bored, I’m nervous because I don’t belong here, I’m scared that you guys represent my future, and I’m trying to get drunk here but my gag reflexes are keeping me from swallowing this double scotch on the rocks.”
But I didn’t say that. I said “Uh…. Not much I guess…. I, uh…”
“You married?”
“No. Not yet anyway.”
“Don’t do it!” all the married guys advised me. “They’ll ruin you. You meet them, and they’re all sweet, then you marry them, and the witch comes out. Don’t do it.”
Not sure how to react, I just said “Alright, I won’t.” The scotch started to go down easier.
“Want another one, honey?”
“Sure. Thanks.”
After a few rounds, one of the older guys came and sat next to me. “Having a good time, Mark?”
“Yeah,” I lied.
“So, whattya think of Len, Mark?”
“Len, my boss?”
“Yeah, Len, your boss.”
Although he showed a bit of a smirk, I knew this could be dangerous territory.
“He’s a great guy,” I answered.
“Yeah,” he said as he looked down at his gin. “He really is a great guy, we’ve been friends for years. But JESUS, he needs to learn to let loose. I don’t think he’s ever been with a woman.”
I coughed a little and some scotch went into my nose. Talk about copping a buzz!!! I don’t advise it though.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he added. “I don’t think he’s gay, he just… well…. there’s a story from a few years back. It was Len’s birthday, so Dave and I pitched in on a high-priced hooker, top of the line.”
“Was she good-looking?” He looked at me like I was an idiot.
“Hell yeah she was good-looking. Anyway, here’s how it was supposed to work. She’d be wearing a mink, and her car would just happen to break down in front of Len’s house. We’d make sure he was home beforehand. Anyway, she’d knock on his door, and ask if she could use his phone.”
OK, I have to admit, I was getting interested.
“And the plan was, when she got in there, she would tell Len that she was a little bit warm, and asked if she could take off her coat, and underneath, she’d be wearing nothing at all.”
“Holy shit! So what happened?”
“All went according to plan, but when she got naked, Len…. well…. it didn’t go well…. Len sorta…” He took a sip from his drink. “You know what, I really shouldn’t tell you. In fact, out of respect for Len, I won’t.” And he walked away.
You know, maybe they were grown-ups, and I was just a kid, but I realized at that very moment, that age didn’t necessarily equate to wisdom. Maybe I didn’t have any money or gray hair, but I sure as hell knew that YOU DON’T START A STORY ABOUT A HOOKER IN A MINK COAT WITHOUT FINISHING IT!
“Can I get you another scotch, honey?”
“No,” I said warmly to her. “Bring me a beer please. Anything will do.”
I felt drunk, I felt like my own man, I felt like I didn’t need to impress anyone, and in my own way, I felt miserable…what I mean is, I felt grown-up, and didn’t like it, not one bit.
